I wrote this postcard back in October. Posting it today.
Hey Tom — Greetings from the gas station / post office / general store / restaurant in Fields, Oregon. I just sat down for breakfast here. I talked to a guy named Josh from Bend, and the waitress told me a story about a dude who showed up in town, stole a truck, and got his ass beat. Pistol-whipped, Old West style
Hello Sharon! You are the recipient of one of two Bigfoot postcards I’ve written this month. As you might have guessed, I really like Bigfoot and hope you do too. Did you know that modern political campaigning was born in the 1934 California gubernatorial race? Democratic candidate Upton Sinclair lost the race when Republican operatives launched a smear campaign asserting that Sinclair was secretly a Bigfoot who wished to redistribute the contents of California picnic baskets. Sad but true.*-Mike
*Not true at all. No Bigfoots ran for governor until the 2003 California recall election. Sinclair not smeared on Bigfoot charges. Learn more here: tinyurl.com/1934gov
Hello Sacha! Ever since I arrived in the Pacific Northwest, I’ve been stocking up on the latest and greatest outdoor gear. I need it to keep weekend warriors from laughing at me. Last year the trend was using llamas as pack animals. This year the hot new fad is slug-packing. My new banana slug weighs 900 pounds and carries all my gear no problem. His name is Chiquita.
Hello Jeff! And happy New Year. Everyone is making New Year’s resolutions right now. (Mine: reduce Chef Boyardee intake to less than 50% of total diet, launch successful class-action lawsuit against ConAgra Foods). So I figured you might like a motivational postcard to help you succeed. Commanding you to achieve seems pretty motivational, so I am optimistic this postcard will help.
Important update: The oblong, flesh colored area in the middle of the above picture is not a male appendage. It is an abdomen. You can find the G-rated original image here. Sorry for the heart attack, mom.