Industry secret

Postcard collage of bird and Hells Canyon with text that says Legendary Adventures Require Legendary Flavor. Reverse side of postcard collage showing Hells Canyon and bird.

Message on postcard:
Shannon and Ann — It was good to hear from you! Sorry I can’t make it to your summer party this year. The dogs are good and I’m working as a hiking guide here at Grand Canyon. You might be wondering, then, why I’m sending you a postcard of Hells Canyon. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, when Grand Canyon is full, we’ll substitute in another canyon. Hells Canyon is a popular replacement, but we’ll also use Cataract Canyon, Black Canyon of the Gunnison, Canyon de Chelly, Waimea Canyon, and the Columbia River Gorge. Every now and then we’ll do a fjord or a crevasse, but they’re a little tricky. Visitors almost never notice, though.

Radically honest Facebook updates

Postcard collage of a happy dog at the coast. Big text at the top says "Hypothesis: Radically honest Facebook posts ease anxiety." Small text at the bottom says "I am a dog"

Reverse side of postcard about radically honest Facebook updates.

Message on postcard:
Hey man — It feels good to finally get this off my chest. It’s been so awkward dodging all the questions. “Why do you sleep on the floor?” “How come there’s fur everywhere?” “Is that a bone you’re chewing on?” Well, I’m a dog. There, I finally said it. God, that feels better.

Scientifically designed

Postcard collage of luxury SUV in front of western landscape, with the text "Because crazy isn't crazy" and "scientifically designed to promote healthy testosterone levels"
Reverse side of postcard collage, with text that says "But it's crazy for a reason"

Message on postcard:
Hi Wyatt — Greetings from my home in Arizona, and thanks for requesting a postcard. It’s car themed, probably because I’ve been futzing around with cars lately. We don’t have any testosterone-promoting cars; we have my Vanagon and my fiancé’s busted-ass Ford Focus. This weekend I’m replacing the valve cover gasket and a motor mount on the Ford. I’m extremely insecure about my manhood, so before I begin the job I’ll be consuming a testosterone milkshake made out of old truck tires.


Post-postcard update:
After I wrote this postcard, I fixed the above-mentioned problems and some miscellaneous other issues. It required a trip to the junkyard to pull parts. While there, I saw a certain white Ford Bronco.

White Ford Bronco in a junkyard, with the hood open, no wheels, and the text "OJ why?" spray-painted on the side

Average Man

Postcard collage of a glum-looking man in front of industrial backdrop, with text that says "Average Man" Reverse side of postcard, with lots of text, and a picture of a cut of meat

Message on postcard:Detail of text from reverse side of postcard: "The hypothesis is based on simple math: A typical person can store about 2,500 calories of carbohydrates but carries a reservoir of perhaps 50,000 from fat."
Dear Flink: Most people don’t know this, but Friedrich Nietzsche devoted most of Thus Spoke Zarathustra to a long-winded discussion of the caloric reserves of the übermensch. According to Nietzsche, the übermensch can store ten thousand calories of carbohydrates, and ten million calories of fat. But even these numbers, inconceivable as they may seem, may be underestimates. Today, modern philosophers estimate übermensch caloric reserves at fifty million from carbohydrates, and one billion from fat.

Most artists depict the übermensch as a granary filled with butter.


OG: Original Geologist

Postcard about the world's first geologist
Reverse side of postcard about the world's first geologist

Message on postcard:
Hey Stew — Did you know? Wilma Flintstone was the world’s first geologist. Instead of a rock hammer, she had a pterodactyl who wore a crash helmet. “You think your job stinks!” he would say after pounding rocks with his head. Happy belated birthday, man.

Serious chunks

Postcard collage of a man sitting in front of the state of Iowa, with the word CHUNKS repeated over and over
Reverse side of postcard collage about chunks

Message on postcard:

Dear Hungus,

Chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks. Chunks, chunks, chunks…  chunks and chunks. Chunks chunks chunks-chunks; chunks chunks chunks. Chunks chunks? Ha! Chunks. Chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks chunks.


PS: Chunks chunks chunks Witzke?

Wild oats, domesticated animals

Postcard collage featuring dairy cattle, a happy-looking man, and the phrase urging the reader to sow some oatws
Reverse side of postcard collage about sowing oats

Message on postcard:
Hey Witzke — I know sometimes life comes at you fast. In the words of French artist Paul Gauguin, “Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going? Is it possible to have a baby with a cow?” Yes you can and it is never too late. Life is just not complete until you have a human-calf hybrid. People who don’t have them will never understand how fulfilling it is. You never know what love is until you look into the eyes of a hideous baby cow and see your face there. Also, it is selfish not to have a baby with a cow, and choosing not to do so makes you a bad person.